And...if the Narcissist is you ?

What to Do When All Seems Lost

I was sitting in church today, thinking and praying, and it dawned on me how sensitive we humans can be when it comes to constructive criticism.

If someone came to us while we were feeling stuffed up and said we might have a cold, we wouldn’t take offense. If someone noticed we had a fever and were coughing up a storm, we wouldn’t be upset if they suggested we might have the flu. Goodness, even if someone suggested we might have COVID, we wouldn’t take offense.

But if we’re struggling with mental or emotional suffering, many people do take offense when a loved one gently suggests we might share some of the blame. Perhaps it’s something in our lifestyle—or maybe it’s our attitude. Perhaps the person talking to us sees something we can’t. Maybe it’s a friend or a parent who listens intently, then says:

“I think you can be selfish sometimes,”

or “I think you manipulate people,”

or “Sometimes you’re cruel,”

or “You never apologize,”

or even “You gaslight others at times.”

Maybe someone who truly loves us has the courage to say:

“Sometimes you behave like a narcissist.”

How would we react? I think 95% of the time, people would get defensive and take offense. When it comes to our personality, most of us have a hard time hearing criticism—even from someone we love, even when it’s constructive.

When it comes to narcissism, it’s true that some people struggle with it more than others—but in my opinion, we’re all battling narcissistic traits to some extent. I think the blame-shifting began with Adam and Eve: Adam said the woman made him do it; Eve said the serpent made her do it. But in reality, no one made anyone do anything. Each of them freely chose not to trust God. Each of them freely broke their perfect bond of love. Each chose to do their own will. And ever since then, we’ve all been doing the same.

So in my opinion, narcissism isn’t something we should try to spot in others—it’s something we must try to spot in ourselves. When we’re selfish, when we devalue others, when we gaslight, lie, are harsh, overly critical, or manipulative—when we choose to act this way, we need to recognize it.

Because honestly, that’s why God came to this earth—to die for us.

So we can see that no matter how ugly our state, He loves us. No matter how ugly we’ve behaved, salvation is a gift for us too. And no matter how dark the situation may seem, there is always hope. Hope that we can change. Hope that we can heal. Hope that situations can improve.

"And I will give you a new heart, and a new spirit I will put within you.  And I will remove the heart of stone from your flesh and give you a new heart" Ezekiel 36:26

I’ll be writing a series of posts about narcissism because I believe there’s a lot of pain out there—both in the hearts of those hurt by narcissists, and in the hearts of narcissists themselves. Because while some people want to paint narcissists as hopeless or evil, if you think you might be one—or if you love someone who struggles with it—know this:

Jesus Christ died for the sins of all.

He died for you. For me. For even the worst among us.

So if you’re a narcissist and have been feeling hopeless, know that God can heal it all. He can give you grace and change even the darkest heart. With Jesus Christ, there is always hope.

"Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation.  The old has passed away; behold, the new has come." 2 Corinth. 5:17

This Easter, start anew. Give your heart to the One who loved you so much that He died for you.

Give your heart to Jesus Christ.

He makes all things new.

"We are not the sum of our weaknesses and failures; we are the sum of the Father's love for us."  St. John Paul II

"I have given everything to my Master: He will take care of me." St. Josephine Bakhita

Narcissists CAN change - Yes!

 Change...possible for all

I have heard so-called "experts" say that narcissists will never change. But is that true? If it is, I don't know about you, but I would feel hopeless. After all, in today’s world, narcissists seem to be everywhere. It could be a daughter, a son, a husband, a friend, a mom, a dad, a boss—you name it. Some of these people are in our lives to stay. And some, despite the pain they cause, are people we love dearly. Even though we suffer, we would never choose a life without them.

So what do I think about narcissists? Well, I believe that when we have one in our life and we've never heard of narcissism, it can be soul-crushing. The gaslighting, the name-calling, the minimization, even humiliation. The constant reminder that they are, in their eyes, better than us in everything—smarter, more capable, more knowledgeable in any area, from medicine to technology to housekeeping. They can be dismissive, offensive, manipulative, egocentric, selfish, and lack empathy. The list goes on.

Not being aware of narcissism limits our ability to understand what’s happening and learn how to deal with it. So learning about it is not just helpful—it’s necessary.

But what if we are the narcissist?

What if a narcissist becomes aware of their behavior? What if they are convicted by their own life? If that’s you, I have good news: Please don’t believe the lie that you cannot change.

With God, all things are possible.

Jesus can make us new. It won’t be easy, but it is possible.

Think of it like an addiction. We become so used to certain selfish behaviors that they feel like part of who we are. We’ve excused our lying and manipulating, our blaming and minimizing, for so long that we feel we can’t stop. But even alcoholics and drug addicts have hope.

Like an alcoholic, the first step is recognizing that we are powerless on our own. We need to see how we’ve hit rock bottom. Our behavior has alienated, hurt, and scared away people we love.

Like an alcoholic, we need to acknowledge that our ways have only caused pain—to ourselves and to others. And like an alcoholic, we must recognize that we will be in recovery for life.

But there is hope.

With prayer, with effort, with a conscious awareness of our actions—we can change.

Indeed:

With God, all things are possible.

Take courage and take the first step!

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If you like this blog, read the book "Princess in Overalls" it can be found in Amazon if you search using my name plus the title.  

Also make sure you check out : sacredheartrosaries.ca made by the author with love !

Mental Prison? If you have a narcissist in your life, just let them!

What to Do When the Narcissist’s Mask Comes Off

So, how do narcissistic people mess with our minds? The answer is simple: in so many ways, they leave our heads spinning. And honestly, it would be funny if it wasn’t so heart-crushing. A narcissist will gaslight us, lie, manipulate, dismiss us, minimize our feelings, break our hearts, and more. It can be frustrating, exhausting, and just downright maddening to have a narcissist in our lives.

Now, you may be wondering, what exactly do I mean when I say "narcissist"? Well, let’s break it down:

Narcissistic People:

• Always looking for ways to create an advantage for themselves in any situation (it's all about them, after all).
• Lack empathy (their motto: Who cares about your feelings?).
• Live in a world of grandiosity and egocentricity—they’re always the star of the show.
• Selfish to the core (don’t expect them to share the spotlight).
• The “Grandiose Narcissist” parent is always desperate to be liked and will go to great lengths to make sure they are adored.
• Master of deflection—it’s never their fault, always someone else’s.
• Validation-seeking (they need constant praise, like always).
• Arrogant, thinking they know more than experts in any field.
• Constantly criticize others while invalidating or minimizing your accomplishments.
• Generous... as long as it makes them look good (it’s about them again, isn’t it?).
• A know-it-all (if you don’t know something, they’ll be happy to tell you why they’re right).
• Even with many perks, they’ll constantly feel they aren’t getting the recognition they “deserve”.
• Not very grateful—they’re entitled to everything done for them.
• Occasionally shames or insults their own child (nothing says love like a passive-aggressive comment, right?).
• Dismissive of other people’s efforts (nothing you do is ever good enough).
• Never satisfied or content with anything—this manifests as constant criticism, complaining, anger, frustration, and contempt. It’s like living in a storm cloud, and guess who’s always the lightning rod?
• Always sees themselves as better—they’re the king or queen, and the rest of us are just... peons.
• The grandiose narcissist might even tell you to your face that you’re stupid and that they know everything. Don’t take it personally, it’s just how they roll.
• They’re judgmental, critical, and argumentative (a never-ending debate, with them always winning, of course).
• Insecurity is at their core—don’t let their bravado fool you.
• Chronic dissatisfaction, especially at work—there's always someone or something to blame.
• As parents, they flip-flop between competing with their child and seeing them as an extension of themselves (so if your success makes them look good, they won’t correct you... but if you embarrass them, watch out).

The Narcissist in a Nutshell:

• They deflect responsibility, shift blame, and triangulate (pitting people against each other).
• They love to devalue—criticizing you and making you feel less than. And let’s not forget, they always have to look good in everyone else’s eyes.
• They compare themselves to others, and no, they’re never satisfied with what they have.
• Special occasions? Not unless it’s on their terms (and, of course, if it makes them look amazing).
• No kindness. No empathy. No respect. No accountability. They would have to acknowledge they have flaws to do that—and we all know that’s not happening.

Some people describe narcissists as cocky, manipulative, selfish, patronizing, and demanding. Funny thing is, they often have a lot of self-control. They can be charming, extroverted, and interesting—or introverted and vulnerable. Either way, they make you want to dive into their lives, thinking you can "save" them. But here's the kicker—you don’t see their true face until it’s too late. Many people are already deep into a friendship or relationship with a narcissist before their mask falls, and we finally see them for who they really are.  

So, Is It Easy to Deal with a Narcissist?

Nope, not at all. But sometimes, either we’re in too deep, or they might even be someone in our family. So what’s left? Damage control. The narcissist is like in a mental prison.  They have lied to themselves so long, they do not know how to stop.  Sometimes they just don't want to stop, period.  

And the worse part is that when the mask comes off, it's not like we can confront them, we actually shouldn't.  So what do we do?  Well, when the mask comes off, let them.  Let them try to fool us, try to get away with their schemes, manipulation, and tactics. Let them double down.  Let them continue to gas light.  Just let them.  Arguing won't change them, logic won't touch them, appeals for empathy won't make a difference.  

When the mask comes off, just let them.  Let them say whatever and then try to walk away.  Then pray, pray hard for yourself and for them.  And remember, as Christians, we are called to love, even our enemies. That doesn’t always mean we have to stay in close contact with them, though. Sometimes, it means we need to cut them off and pray from a distance. Other times, it means learning to live with them, picking our battles wisely, and knowing when to walk away from a fight or discussion.

In the next post, I’ll dive into strategies for managing a narcissist without losing yourself in the process.

To believe or not to believe - choosing our companion...

 When it comes to believing...

When it comes to believing, trust your eyes, and trust your gut.  So what do I mean by trust your eyes? Well for example you are starting to date a guy, and you are wondering if he is a good choice for you.  You are seeing some red flags, and boy they are not good.  But every time you think about it, you remember things he has said and you want to dismiss the red flag.  

You don't want to over think, you do not want to judge.  You want to give the benefit of the doubt.  You do not want to make him sad, and you do not want to look paranoid.  So, what do you do?  You rationalize, you excuse and you find all the reasons why the "red flag"  is not really a "red flag".  

Or, you decide to bring it up and give him a chance to explain, a chance to apologize etc.  What is wrong with that?  He or she seems to always have a rational explanation, an apology, they plead for one more chance, and you comply.  Is that a wise thing to do you might wonder...is that the best choice of action?

Look: it is easier to finish a relationship that is not right for you - while it is in the early stages.  

Yes, the sooner the better.  There is less attachment, less pain, less drama, less complication.  when it comes to relationships, being a boyfriend, a guy you are starting to date or a friend - trust your eyes!  Your eyes don't lie.  

If you see "red flags"  if you experience bad treatment, if the person acts as if they don't care, if they are no where to be found when you need them, if they don't listen, if they are into themselves, if they fail you time and time again.  Trust your experience with them and not your ears! By that, what I mean is: 

Do not trust the words they speak, believe your eyes.  Look carefully at their actions.

Yes, it's true they might apologize, and they may very well be sorry.   They truly might feel bad when they are talking to you.  But that does not make a difference.  It doesn't really matter,  the fact is, you want to find out if they are the right person for you.   And while an apology is nice and necessary, the fact might remain that that person might have shown enough evidence that they are not good for you!

People can be sorry, and yet they can still hurt us.  People can be sorry, and yet continue their bad behaviour, they might continue to do it again and again.  

It is your job to protect yourself.  It is your job to actively pursue your happiness.  You can forgive, but that doesn't mean that you should continue in the relationship.  You can forgive but you should not forget.  If we do not learn the lessons that life is teaching us, well we will continue to suffer.  And that seems hopeless.  And we need hope in our lives.  We need to fight hard so we do not end up in a hopeless situation.

Sometimes, we can forgive, but with gentleness and calmness we can still chose to end a relationship.  Not because we don't wish the other person well.  Not as revenge, not in anger.  Simply because we recognize that moving on is the best thing for both people.

Take a big breath, think, pray, and then make your decision.  

Remember :

Choose your hard.

Breaking up is hard, but staying with the wrong person is unthinkable!  

You can do this!  I believe in you!  and yes I will be praying for you !  

The Littlest Giant Part 2

“The littlest giant” realized that all our faith and that all our strength stems from Him who showers us with gifts and blessings, not from our own effort. And so he prayed in the name of Jesus,  so that God would give him different graces or gifts.  And through the power of the Holy Spirit he received more faith, and he learned how to pray better and more often.  He got to know God better, he began to understand His word, he felt His presence. “The littlest giant” learned that Jesus always answers our prayers, but that we do have to do our part.  He read, studied His word, and reflected on it. “The littlest giant” realized that he needed to have a, strong and constant, close relationship with Jesus.  And this could only be possible through remaining in His word and through prayer. 

“If you remain in my word, you will truly be my disciples, and you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free” John 8(31, 32).

“Heaven and earth will pass away but my words 
will not pass away”  Mat 24(35)

“If you remain in me and my words remain in you, ask for whatever you want and 
it will be done for you” Jn 15(7)

He knew that if he didn’t pray and remain in His word then he would be  just  an occasional visitor to the Sunday mass and not a faithful friend of Jesus.  He did not want Jesus to be only someone he knew about, someone he read about. No! He wanted an intimate friend. Yes, more than anything in this whole world, he wanted to be a good friend to Jesus. A close friend seeks his friend constantly and makes an effort to love his dear friend more and more each day. A close friend seeks his friend constantly and makes an effort to love his dear friend more and more each day.  And in essence makes an effort to get to know his friend better.  There is never a limit for a true friend.

“You are my friends if you do what I command you” John 15(14)

 “Remain in me as I remain in you” John 15(4)

After all Jesus invites us not only to be His friends, but to imitate Him, follow Him, and love Him:  he who knows Him loves him and as He says “He who loves me follows my commandments."

“This I command you: love one another.” John 15(17)

“Whoever has my commandments and observes them 
is the one who loves me.” John 14 (21)

“The way that we may be sure that we know Him is to keep his commandments” 
Whoever says ‘I know Him’ but does not keep His commandments is a liar, 
and the truth is not in him.  But whoever keeps His word, 
the love of God is truly perfected in him….” 1 John2 (3,4,5)

 “The littlest giant” was determined to love Jesus more and more, committed to follow Him closer and better.  He understood that even though he was far from being perfect, this did not matter to Jesus,  Jesus knows us well: our defects, our sins, our fears, our deepest secrets.  But regardless of what is in our hearts,  He loves us and wants us to be by His side.  He loves us and calls each one of us  to follow Him.  And He always forgives us if we have a: Change of mind …. Change of heart….and Change of actions.  Yes,  if we repent truly and sincerely from the bottom of our heart.  

“Remain in my love.  John 15(9)

“The littlest giant” understood that what he needed was to have a great love for Jesus and a fervent and honest desire to improve. Yes, and he needed to follow Him with his maximum effort, following  Him the best that he could - according to his capacity.  After all we all have different capacities to follow our Lord and different gifts to share with others. Jesus was patient with him,  “the littlest giant” learned to patient with himself.  Jesus always forgave him; he had to learne to forgive himself, and most important he learned to persevere and never give up. He decided to fix to fix  his eyes on Jesus, and let his goal be : 

·      Getting to know Him better and more, allowing His love to dwell inside him

·      Following His commandments out of love and trust,  not fear or plain obligation

·      Repenting every time that, without being able to avoid it,   he was unable to faithfully follow       His commandments. 

·      Remembering always that when he falls down Jesus is there to pick him up.

                        “If you wish to enter into life, keep the commandments.”

                                                                      Mathew 19(17)

“Everyone who listens to these words of mine and acts on them will be like a wise man who built his house on rock.  The rain fell, the floods came, and the winds blew and buffeted the house.  But it dis not collapse; it had been set solidly on rock.” 

Mathew 24(35)

 “The littlest giant” realized that it is hard to love the way Jesus call us to love, but this is no reason why to stop trying.  He decided to try more, try harder, pray more, love more, improve more, and always give more.  Give more in order to have more of Jesus in his life. He decided to seek Him with all his heart….all his strength ...loving Him with all his mind all his soul.  

     

  “Why do you call me, ‘Lord, Lord’ but not do what I command” Luke 6(46)

“It is not that I have already taken hold of it or have already attained perfect maturity, but I continue my pursuit in hope that I may possess it, since I have indeed been taken possession of by Christ 

Jesus…” Paul to Philippians 3 (12)

Well not to wear you out you with the story of “The littlest giant”, I shall come to the end of my story.  After 10 years of listening to the soft but constant voice of our Lord Jesus calling him the Lord decided to call even louder, to a bigger commitment. Jesus was inviting him to be baptized by water, to become part of his church, of His community, and to share with others in faith and joy.

 “The littlest giant” decided that he wanted to fill up his life with He who had showered him with blessings.  He who had rescued him from the darkness into the light, because he was lost but now was found, blind but now could see!  He wanted to get baptized into our beloved Catholic Church.  Because Jesus calls, Jesus invites, but it is we who decide if we answer His call.  We must want to answer “Yes!” when He calls. “The littlest giant” decided to say “Yes ….yes!  Jesus ….yes!”

Well by now I imagine many of you have guessed that “The littlest giant” is a giant 2 meter, 200 lb Turkish guy whose name is John. Well, being that this is his appearance to the naked eye. But then when you look with attention and when you get to know him, you realize that he is one of Jesus’ “Little ones”.  Yes, he is a man with a sweet smile and eyes like those of a little kid, and soft of heart.  Like a child he was able to find his beloved Jesus and like a child he loves him with all his heart.  He   has put his faith in Him, and will never look back.  Like a child he now is feeling safe and has joy and peace, because he knows that he is in the shadow of the almighty and takes refuge under His wings. 

“You who dwell in the shelter of the Most High, who abide in the shadow of the Almighty, 

Say to the Lord, “My refugee and my fortress, my God in whom I trust” 

God will rescue you from the fowler’s snare, from the destroying plague,  

will shelter you with pinions, spread wings that you may take refuge; 

God faithfulness is a protecting shield..” Psalm 91(1-4)

John wanted to get baptized for Christmas 2003, in Ephesus, were Mother Mary is said to have spent most of the last years of her life and where Paul and John lived and preached.  That holy place were John prayed many times to our beloved Virgin Mary.

But Jesus had other plans for him and so our long time priest friend, Father Tarcy, encouraged him to get baptized in Vancouver, since it was the eve of our departure from Turkey. The time to move was near and so our priest suggested finding a course in our new city. John was a bit disappointed at first, but just temporarily, because he is convinced that Jesus gently directs his life and that surely He had better plans for him!

“So whoever is in Christ is a new creation:  the old things have passed away; 

behold new things have come.” 2 Cor 5(17)

So well we arrived to Vancouver and John got excited again, after all soon there would be Easter and maybe he would be able to get baptized in this most meaningful and solemn time.  We talked first in a church downtown but the priest was not to sure if John would be able to be accepted in any Rite of Christian Initiation for Adults (RCIA) course in time for Easter baptism. After all it was a bit late, and many courses had started much earlier.  Thingsdid not look too promising but nothing is impossible with God.   He promised that if we prayed with faith, two or more people in His name (Mat 18 verse 19-20), God would grant whatever we asked for.    

        

“Everything is possible to one who has faith.” Mark9(23)

Well so we prayed and then we headed to St. Augustine’s to talk to the person in charge of the RCIA. She said she was not so sure if it would be ok or not,  she would have to talk to the Father in charge of the parish, and we had to wait until the next day. We knew that if it was God’s will He would gently speak to their hearts.

“Do not let your hearts be troubled.  You have faith in God; have faith also in me” John 14(1)

         And so we went to see her again on the next day.   She said Father had left it up to her and that, well, after talking to us in her office the other day….she had a feeling that John was ok and could join the course! He could take the course with the RCIA group until Easter and then he would get baptized, and get confirmed all in one!  We were thrilled, Easter, what a wonderful gift from the Lord.

I am happy to share with all that “the littlest giant” that all of you know as John, got baptized on Easter Vigil Saturday April 10^th , 2004! And he never looked back, he has been the most faithful holy Catholic I know ever since.

 I give thanks to God for all He has given us, for blessing us and for overflowing our lives with His great love.  In blessing and calling John I too was blessed.  I too, found Him in a deeper way that I never imagined possible. In a way that I had never experienced before.  Today thanks to John’s encounter with our Lord Jesus Christ, I am more in love with Jesus.   And I  love God in a way like I never knew was possible. In walking the way towards Jesus next to John, I found Jesus all over again. I found Him in a way and with strength I never imagined possible.  My heart and my spirit sing with joy and I give thanks God for this most beautiful gift! 

“And behold,    until the end of age.”  Mat.28(20)

Source for Bible verses:  The New American Bible (Catholic version)